Ya know, life is weird. You start out the day naked in a blanket, and then you’re on TV for a car crash next to the Lloyd Center. Everyone was asking me stupid questions, like “Tell me in your own words, exactly what happened.” I wasn’t even fucking driving, what do I care? I’m not losing my job over this. But then FOX 12 is there with their fucking cameras and suddenly I’m the bad guy cuz my uniform says the same thing as the truck that sent the shitty little mazda spinning into a telephone pole. You think I got a good look? I was just the prick in the truck. I wasn’t even on the same side that really wrecked the car and the day.
But then you’re popular, suddenly police and bosses want a statement and I still don’t care. If being unconcerned were a job, I’d be a fucking millionare. It probably isn’t good that I frankly don’t care about healthy living, or health, or life. I did quit smoking, mostly, but that was an honest look at the rolls of the dice. If God didn’t care about those three or four times I used Amyl NItrates for sexual arousal, he probably would notice the pack and a half a day lifestyle that came with it. And I can cut at least half of that equation out entirely.
But people get weird about shit like that. My girlfriend is going with all veggies, and that seems terrible to me, since vegetables typically don’t contain ethanol or nicotine, and those are at least half the main food groups. The funny thing is that when I start to tell her this, she keeps changing her phone number. Fuckin chicks and their cellphones.
In a funny way, its a lot like trying to find the right time to tell someone about how many times you’ve jerked off to “An American Tale, FIvel Goes West”; there just isn’t a good one. And instead of it just being a positive experience of me sharing something insightful about me, they just get all weird and hostile about it. Now you’re kink shaming, and that’s not fair. It’s not like I was asking for you to match me on it, I was just telling you about something about me that might be relevant. But no, I’m the asshole and I’m the one who gets kicked out of Walgreens. People are weird.
But at the end of the day, whatever hour that happens to be, it’s always good to be thankful for the fact that your mind still works, despite the punishment you put it through just by being alive, and in my zip code. Now, I have a disney plus account to abuse, you all enjoy yourselves.